As forewarning, I do not like seafood in any form. This post will be biased against seafood and will be absolutely of no use to anyone but the few who share my sense of humor. It will not be informative in any way and I’m not sorry about this in the least.

Now I’m probably going to ruffle a bunch of people’s feathers because I realize that many cultures around the world have cuisines based on seafood, and that’s great and quite honestly I wish I did like seafood. But my point here is that I personally don’t like it so that makes it inherently bad regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Wikipedia says that “seafood is any form of sea life regarded as food by humans”.  I’m not sure how I feel about this. I don’t particularly think that anything from the sea should be labeled as “food”. Maybe a more fitting term should be “seastuff” as opposed to “seafood”.

Seafood mainly consists of fish (stinky when cooked) and shellfish (stinky when cooked). Sea mammals including dolphins and whales have also been consumed throughout history, although this seems to be on the decline in modern times.

I refuse to eat tuna because it tastes bad and I know dolphins get caught in the nets and die. I like dolphins, they’re smart and I don’t want to eat them.

I had to eat tuna casserole growing up, so now I despise both tuna and casseroles. Some people like to make tuna salad and make a sandwich with it. That’s gross.

Oh yeah, and people eat seaweed too. I don’t get it. People don’t go in their backyards and grab a hand full of weeds and shove them in their mouths do they? No, because that would be weird.

But if it comes from a thousand feet underwater and the whales and fish use it as a toilet it’s totally cool to eat? Let’s just dehydrate it and throw some salt on it!

Literally, seaweed is like the bottom of an outhouse where all the **** falls, with an added bonus of tasting like the ocean. I fell in the ocean twice (in Alaska) so I know what the ocean tastes like, and I’m like 98% sure it tastes terrible.

I did a post here on Urban Kitchionary about crayfish/crawdads, and couldn’t figure out if lake trout should be called seafood since they live in lakes and not in the sea. Since then, I’ve figured something out.

Apparently in North America, but not so much in the United Kingdom, the term “seafood” includes fresh water organisms as well. Basically, any edible aquatic life can be called seafood. Again, I’m not sure these aquatic lifeforms should be referred to as “edible” for humans.

Crabs look like alien spiders from another planet and lobsters look like weird underwater…things. I wonder when people first decided that weird thing that washed up on shore with the huge pincers and silly flappy tail would taste absolutely delicious with some butter and a bit of lemon.

That’s what I got. I better watch my self though, I might end up having to try some lobster if we visit Maine in the future. That’s okay though, if I don’t like it I can just wash it down with some Moxie soda. I hear that stuff tastes like burnt root beer and rust.