The “I can’t even” chicken.

Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. This will be my second installment of what I like to call – I Can’t Even! Hopefully if you’ve read my previous episode, you’ll have an idea of just what a disaster this can be. It’s a place for me to share all my crazy ponderings about life with anyone that has the patience to sit through it.

I think it’s helpful in a way, because I don’t verbally share a lot of my thoughts and feelings with others. I tend to keep them crammed inside and from what I hear, that isn’t healthy. So our blog is a good way for me to get my thoughts out and it allows me to be creative in my own weird way.

I like to play around with graphic manipulators such as Photoshop (which we don’t have) and make graphics for our website. That would probably explain a lot. But anyway, since we’re talking about creativity, I’m going to take a quick break and fire up my trusty image manipulator GIMP. I’ll be right back with an example of what I can do with the program.

Done. Below you can find some of my work. I’m thinking of branching out into the field of graphic design. Tell me what you think. I trust you will find them nothing short of stunning.

Above, you will notice a tranquil picture of a peaceful cove located in Kachemak Bay. I’ve toned down the green hues a bit, as well as sharpened the clarity of the water. Finally I’ve brushed out most of the smoky tones in the sky above the mountain.

This is a logo I made for an episode of Dueling Duleys. It’s alright. Nothing to write home about. It’s just sort of meh.

Here’s a picture of Super Vanessa and her fashionably green cape. You can compare the before and after pictures. I didn’t really do much with this picture.

Oh hey, let me tell you some jokes. And after that I will talk about one of the most classic jokes that many people don’t realize is actually a pretty deep joke. The “I can’t even” chicken has nothing to do with the classic joke just mentioned, it’s merely a coincidence and nothing more. And please don’t hate me because of the following jokes; they’re pretty lame.

Q. There was big moron and little moron sitting on top of a building. The big moron fell off, why didn’t the little one?

A. He was a little moron.


Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a duck?

A. Uhm… actually let’s skip that one.


Q. What did the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants say?

A. Argh!!! This is driving me nuts!!!


Q. Why did the bicycle fall asleep?

A. Because it was two tired.


Q. What is a pirates favorite letter?

A. You’re probably going to say Rrrrrrrr!, but it’s actually C!


And now as promised above, here is my pick for the ultra deepest, most profound joke that’s been flying over people’s heads (including mine until very recently) for decades. But first, let me put a border around the following, along with a nice tasty background color to denote the importance of it. Are you ready? Okay, here goes…

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road???

A. To get to the other side!

Get it?!?!

It’s awesome right? To get to the other side. Simply classic. But there is also a darker and much more profound meaning. Bear with me as I struggle to explain this.

See, the particular chicken referred to in this joke could very well be down on his luck, or perhaps struggling to make ends meet. It could be that his chicken wife of four years recently left him for some other chicken. And that act of betrayal had left a fowl taste in his mouth.

The point is we have no way of knowing what is troubling him so deeply, but it seems that this particular chicken had come to his wits end. And who knows if it’s even a male chicken. It could be a female chicken, we don’t know.

However, while we might not be able to deduce the sex of the chicken, we can indeed deduce 3 things.

  1. Something is truly weighing on the soul of this creature. I don’t know his or her name but I’ve always imagined it to be something like Chester. Chester the Chicken.
  2. Unfortunately, the chicken wants to check out but doesn’t know how to because of a lack of opposable thumbs. So the next logical step would be to find a busy road with lots of traffic.
  3. The chicken did want to get to the other side, but not the side we all think of when we hear the joke. It’s merely alluded to in the punchline. That’s right, the chicken accomplished his goal by getting run over by a car. Confused yet?

So yeah, that’s what’s up. It’s a sad day for the chicken but a good day for the vultures. Or anyone who doesn’t mind roadkill I guess. Just put enough batter on it and fry it up. It should be fine.

Let’s move on to one of my favorite things: music. Good music to be precise. I don’t feel this can be viewed subjectively. Some music is good, some music is bad.

Here’s an example: country music

This is what it sounds like to me:

Am I way off base here? Because that’s exactly what I hear when country music is happening around me. The one exception to this would be when we go out to eat at a local restaurant near our place. I won’t name the place but they play country music all day long and for some strange reason I can deal with it. I’m definitely not saying I enjoy the music, but I’m pretty sure if it weren’t for the fact that their food was so good, I wouldn’t ever go there.

Okay I’m going to stop bellyaching about music now. I’ll save it for another post. Perhaps I’ll share my views at that time on hip-hop and how I feel it’s dumbing down our youth.

Here’s something totally out of left field. I just learned this statistic yesterday. Did you know that 3 out of 2 people struggle with fractions? Yeah, I had no clue.

Speaking of left field, last Saturday Vanessa, Nathan, and I went to a baseball game. Right after we bought our tickets, a foul ball fell over the seating area and Nathan got a free baseball. It was literally (not figuratively) right after we stepped foot in the place.

After the game Nathan ran around barefoot on the field and Vanessa even got one of the Glacier Pilots team members to sign the ball. And his name was Nathan too!

Here’s a picture of Nathan at his very first baseball game, holding the baseball he got. It was a double header but we only stayed for the first game. The Glacier Pilots (our team) beat the Oilers (not our team) 2 – 1 in the bottom of the 10th inning when the center fielder and the right fielder crashed into each other and didn’t catch the fly ball.


Well, I think this is a good time to bring this installment of ‘I Can’t Even’ to a close. Thank you all for taking the time to read this nonsense. And as always, here are some closing thoughts.

If I could have any superpower in the world I would probably choose flight, but being able to stop time or teleport from one place to another would be close seconds. However, you have to admit it would be super cool to be able to make the ocean turn invisible for a day. Can you even imagine what you might find?

You could find sunken ships, giant halibut, lost wallets, underwater alien bases, a krakin or two, and possibly even the Bloop. I know, I’m probably the only person that wishes this was a thing. But I’ve pondered what that would be like ever since I was a wee lad out on the waters of Resurrection Bay.

Darth Vader needs to find out who’s in charge of teaching the storm troopers how to aim their blasters and give them a friendly force choke. Not sure why that thought just came to me. I hadn’t really thought about this before.

Did you know the majority of people have above average intelligence? Or is it below average…

What is 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat, and 1/2 goat? I’ll give you the answer at the end.

I think the transformers need to have a character named Optimus Composite. He could come from a long line of Composites, just like Optimus Prime comes from a long line of Primes. Or maybe he turns into a Composite. I actually don’t know how any of that works. It’s just supposed to be a silly math joke. But it’s an idea and I think it’s a good one. He could be really good at math and he could maybe turn into something like a lemniscate. That would be pretty cool.

I don’t understand how electricity takes the path of least resistance. I really don’t. Is there a leader electron that sends a scout electron up ahead to do some recon? Then when the scout electron reports back, the leader electron yells back at all the troop electrons telling them what path they need to take?

And finally I know this. You can never name a bridge ‘Chuck Norris’ because nobody crosses Chuck Norris.

The answer is Chicago.




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