The “I can’t even” chicken.

Preface: This is an older blog written by Andrew. When we revamped our site in 2021 I dropped a lot of irrelevant content from our blog in particular. This post certainly fell under the ‘Irrelevant’ heading, but as I read through it I just laughed and laughed, so I’ve decided to keep it, as a precious little gem of Andrew’s creative hilarity. -Vanessa

I guess it’s that time again where I get to ramble on about some of my ridiculous musings for an inordinate amount of time. I’ll also be adding some other tasteful selections, including but not limited to: horrible ideas, poorly thought out conspiracy theories, my take on science, and finally my thoughts on this winter (2016 – 2017).

<*Edit*> As I sit here writing this very paragraph (not the one above it), I’m slowly shaking my head back and forth in disapproval. Apparently I had written out most of this addition to I Can’t Even, but for some reason, I felt no need to publish it. It’s now the 18th of August of the year 2018…


Oh well, nothing to do now except add some additional thoughts I’ve had since I wrote this draft nearly two full years ago. Don’t worry, there aren’t many!

I’ll even add a cool background shade so you know what I’ve added to this post since its inception nearly two years ago. Did I mention it’s been sitting unpublished for two years?</*Edit*>

But first, did you know that ‘gruntled’ is a word? I had no clue until very recently. Yeah, apparently you can have gruntled postal workers who are, according to my understanding, satisfied and even contented in their job. I know, weird concept for me too. I didn’t know that was a thing.

If you liked that word, here’s an even better one: ‘crapulence’

Pretty sweet huh? Apparently it means ‘Discomfort from eating or drinking too much‘. Fitting name I suppose. Let’s move on.

There’s one thing I’ve learned when it comes to the world of colors. Everything makes brown. I don’t understand it but that seems to be what the data is telling me. I’ll give you an example.

I’ll ask something along the lines of, “hey Vanessa, what do you get when you mix pink, blue, yellow and black together?”

I don’t know why anyone would need to know what those particular colors make, but I can almost guarantee you that it will be brown. I don’t question the results either, because she knows her colors.

Speaking of colors, it appears that some animals can see colors that we as humans can not. That irks me and I don’t like it. In fact, I’m having a real hard time even imagining what another color would look like. I might have to simply give up though, because it’s slowly becoming apparent to me that it might not be possible.

Let me share with you something that happened to me at Costco a few weeks ago. It made me realize I’m not nearly as smart as I think I am.

So, I was on one of my semi-regular pizza runs okay. I had just purchased my half-combo, half-sausage and pepperoni pizza when I happened to glance to my right and see two young people having a conversation using sign language. Normal enough right?

Well one of them, and I am by no means trying to be rude here, had odd looking eyes. My immediate reaction was oh, he must be blind…

That’s what my brain gave me. Just a blind person carrying on a conversation in sign language. It happens all the time.

And then if that wasn’t bad enough, I thought to myself, oh no I’m staring at this blind guy doing sign language and that’s really rude on my part. Everything inside me was hoping he hadn’t noticed. So I quickly turned my head and proceeded to the exit where the dude with the marker could draw the line down my receipt letting me know I hadn’t stolen anything.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized what an idiot moment I had just had. I’m 87% sure he wasn’t blind. And that’s a true story.

Here’s a great joke you can tell at baby showers or bike rallies. Okay here goes: What did one nut say to the other nut then he was going out the door???
Are you ready for the answer? The nut said “Cashew later!”


HAHA I love that joke.

Anyways, I was sitting in traffic the other day and aggressively pondering mullets when it dawned on me why they were the perfect haircut. We like to make fun of the mullet but just listen to this. Some time during the ’70s the rednecks got fed up with living in a constant state of burned neckness, so they got together and formed a committee.

It was eventually decided that one could naturally grow out the hair on the back of the head so it would eventually be long enough to cover the back of their neck, therefore nullifying the effects of the harsh rays from the sun.But that created a different problem entirely. See, the extra hair caused heat to remain trapped near the scalp, causing some minor discomfort and confusion in addition to the confusion they typically lived with.

After much deliberation on the part of the redneck committee, the solution to the problem was found. If they removed hair from the top of their heads, it would counteract the effect of the additional hair in the back.

And voilà the mullet was born. The perfect haircut for alleviating sunburns while at the same time allowing excess heat to escape through the top of the head.

Ingenious I say!


Earlier I stated “I’ll also be adding some other tasteful selections, including but not limited to: horrible ideas, poorly thought out conspiracy theories, my take on science, and finally my thoughts on this winter (2016 – 2017).”

I apologize because I didn’t write about any of those topics. I’m ashamed of my actions and you have my word that it won’t happen again. Probably.

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